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• If the Press reported on Blues Lyrics
• If you're new to Blues music
• Top 18 Signs it's Time for your Blues Band to Retire
• Jungle Guide
• The Sax Player
• The Club Owner
• The Guitarist
• One-Liners

CLARKSDALE, MS -- Ida Mae Dobbs, long-time woman of Indigo Bob, called a press conference Tuesday to respond to charges levied against her by the legendary electric slide guitar player.

"Despite what Indigo Bob would have you believe, I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be," Dobbs told reporters. "I repeat: I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be. To the contrary, my lovin' is so sweet, it tastes just like the apple off the tree."

Dobbs, accused of causing Indigo Bob pain and breaking his heart by calling out another man's name, categorically denied treating him in a low-down manner.

"He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come round," Dobbs, a brown skin woman, said. "He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come round. Well, the truth is, I do come, but he is out messing with every gal in town."

During the press conference,  Dobbs also disputed an Aug. 27 statement by Indigo, who compared her to a dresser because someone is always "going through her drawers".

"My drawers have not been gone through by any man but Indigo, Dobbs said. "Neither Slim McGee nor Melvin Brown has ever been in my drawers. Nor has Sonny 'Spoonthumb' Perkins, nor any of those other no-good jokers down by the railroad tracks. My policy has always been to keep my drawers closed to everyone but  Indigo Bob, as I am his woman and would never treat him so unkind."

In addition to denying Indigo Bob's drawer-opening allegations, Dobbs disputed charges of unrestricted sweet-potato-pie distribution, insisting that her pie is available only to Indigo.

"I do not give out my sweet-potato pie arbitrarily, as I am not the sort of woman who engages in such objectionable behavior," Dobbs told reporters. "Only one man can taste my sweet potato pie, and I believe I have made it perfectly clear who that man is." She noted that the same policy applies to her biscuits, which may be buttered only by Indigo.

While most of the accusations against Dobbs relate to her running around town with other men, she does face one far more serious charge: attempted homicide. On May 5, 1998,  Indigo Bob was rushed to the hospital and narrowly escaped death after ingesting nearly five ounces of gasoline. Indigo Bob claimed that Dobbs tried to murder him, serving him a glass of the toxic fuel when he requested water. Dobbs dismissed the episode as "an accident."

Dobbs, a short-dress, big-legged woman from Sarasota County, said it is Indigo Bob who should be forced to defend himself. According to Dobbs,  Indigo frequently has devilment on his mind, staying up until all hours of the night rolling dice and drinking smokestack lightning.

"Six nights out of seven, he goes off and gets his swerve on while I sit at home by myself. Then he comes knocking on my door at 4 a.m., expecting me to rock him until his back no longer has any bone," Dobbs said. "Is that any way for a man to treat his woman? I don't want to, but if he keeps doing me wrong like this, I am going to take my lovin' and give it to another man."

Added Dobbs: "Indigo Bob is going to be the death of me."

Dobbs said until she receives an apology from Indigo and a full retraction of all accusations, he will not be given any grinding.

"Indigo says I stay out all night and that I'm not talking right. He says he has rambling on his mind as a result of my treating him so unkind. He says I want every downtown man I meet and says they shouldn't even let me on the street," Dobbs said. "Well, I refuse to let my name be dragged through the mud like this any longer. Unless my man puts an end to these unfair attacks on my character, I will neither rock nor roll him to the break of dawn. I am through with his low-down ways."

If you're new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevy's, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get no rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Indigo Bob

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Peg-leg Lemon Johnson or Lame Kiwi Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")"

Written By:
Unknown

The Top 18 Signs It's Time for Your Blues Band to Retire

18> No longer able to "Rock and Roll All Night" without an entire case of Viagra.

17> Ever since Strom left the band for a career in politics, the sound just hasn't been the same.

16> Your lead guitarist switches to Heroin P.M. so that those after-concert parties don't keep him awake all night.

15> You're still considered a hair band, but now it's because of your ears and noses.

14> Instead of saying "Good night, Cleveland!" at the end of your set, you scream, "Honey! It's time for my sponge bath!"

13> "I'm sorry, Mr. Hanson, but it seems you've hit puberty."

12> Then: You freaked out on-stage because of the drugs you took. Now: You freak out on-stage because of the drugs you *forgot* to take.

11> "Shooting up" didn't used to involve an enema.

10> Old band logo: picture of giant red lips. Current band logo: picture of giant sagging man-boobs.

9> Biting the head off a bat now requires corporate sponsorship from Super Poly-Grip.

8> The only people making bootleg tapes at your concerts are from the Smithsonian.

7> Your songs are blocked from Napster -- not by your record company's request, but because they suck.

6> Then: You instructed security to screen the crowd for sweet young things willing to put out for the band. Now: You instruct security to screen the crowd for sweet
young things who are willing to pre-chew all those green M&M's for the band.

5> You stop outdoor concerts to take a garden hose to the young hooligans who won't get off the lawn.

4> The band refuses to make a video because they're convinced that the cameras will steal their souls.

3> Bad: Your groupies drag their oxygen tanks to the stage to admire your alligator-skin pants. Worse: You forgot to put on any pants.

2> Nowadays when your fans throw their panties on stage, it looks like the Fifth Airborne parachuting into Normandy.


and the Number 1 Sign It's Time for Your Blues Band to Retire...

1> The hot babe in the first row just lifted her skirt -- to
show you her hooters.
 

The guide was leading the hunter through the jungle and thundering native drums were everywhere. The hunter remarked, "Those drums scare the heck out of me." The guide replied, "Don't worry about drums." The party continued on only to hear the drums increase their tempo and volume. The hunter said, "Those drums are getting louder! Are you sure everything's okay?" The guide answered, "Don't worry about drums." After a few more minutes, the drums abruptly stopped. The hunter rejoiced, "Those darned drums have finally stopped!". The guide said, "Better worry now." "Why?", asked the hunter. The guide answered, "Now come Bass solo."

The sax player died and went to heaven. After he entered the pearly gates, he was directed by St. Peter to the local jazz band's rehearsal studio. When he walked into the studio, the sax player was overjoyed to see that in the sax section were John Coltrane, Cannonball Adderly, and Jerry Mulligan. The rest of the group was made up of equally great players, including the leader of the band, Duke Ellington. The sax player was so overcome with joy at the prospect of playing with such great musicians he exclaimed to Duke, "What a band! It must be great to conduct a group like this!" Duke Ellington replied, "Yeah. Well...It's okay, I guess." The sax player was shocked. He asked, "How can you say that? This band has all of the greatest musicians there ever were! What's wrong?" Duke Ellington replied, "Well, you see...God's got this girlfriend, and she sings..."

 

A Guitarist is sitting on the edge of the stage, crying hysterically. The drummer asks the Guitarist, "What's wrong?" The Guitarist answers, "The bass player loosened one of my tuning pegs." The drummer replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the Guitarist replies, "He won't tell me which one!!"

Q: How do you know when a lead singer is knocking on your front door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in and he can't find the key.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your front door?
A: The knock slows down.

Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.
 

Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
A: They never know when to come in.

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: What is the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.